T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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