I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
