I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
