if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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