as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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