the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
