Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
