woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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