take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
