Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
