I faked an abortion last night.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Drunk is not a location!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
