it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
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Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
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Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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