Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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