i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I want a musical about memes.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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