its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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