It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
