Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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