And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
