White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend