I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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