We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
