her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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