My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
