found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
