I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
