I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
