i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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