The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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