just come out here and I will go home with you...
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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