i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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