I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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