Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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