I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
