the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
