You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
