My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize