I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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