you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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