I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
