Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
