Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
