The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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