Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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