True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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