My boss' voice literally gives me gas
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
