I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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