coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
