i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
