I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
