as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
