im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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